Musings of a Rhymer

There's a brand of poultry in the grocery store That is named "Smart Chicken" And whether they were smart or not That’s the one my wife is picking   It’s a brilliant bit of marketing  As far as product branding goes Brand name describes the product At least, she’s convinced that’s so   Package says these chickens are organic Never any steroids, vegetarian-fed Were free to roam the farm yard What a great life they have led   Healthy diet, regular exercise  Indicators of a high IQ Don’t think the chickens had a say But I'll just say that to you   My wife doesn’t really care for chicken  For her, it’s not a staple Chickens must be a cut above To end up on her table   She likes the idea of smart chicken And all that it entails  Attempts to change her mind Will be to no avail    Don’t have the heart to tell her Chickens raised for slaughter Are processed at six weeks old IQ likely not a starter    I prefer to think they’re not ...

My wife handed me a grocery list As I headed for the store She had added comments on her list To help me with this chore   A note by an item on her list  Really made me smile She'd written “If they don’t have it, don’t get it” In true Yogi Berra style   “If they don’t have it, don’t get it” Like Yogi himself would say Meaning "Don't go elsewhere for it, We'll get it another day"   Yogi, the great Yankee’s catcher Who's in the Baseball Hall of Fame  Maybe more famous for his malaprops Than the way he played the game   Many of these “yogi-isms” Were made by others in Yogi's stead Yogi himself once declared  "I never said half the things I said"    A well-known one of Yogi's  His logic can’t be doubted “People don’t go there anymore  Because it gets too crowded”   I think of all his quotes  My favorite one endures “If you don’t go to their funeral  They won’t come to yours”   Let’s close with a Yogi saying In a base...

Don’t know how this happened   I’ve become a rhyming sap If I can’t kick this habit May have to turn to Rap   It has become a problem Everything I see Makes me start to think What a rhyming word could be   Then I have to write it down With supplementing words Turn them into little poems That some might think absurd   No matter how I try  Can’t make this habit go away Then I’m compelled to share the poems  To my wife’s dismay   Years ago, I used to smoke I beat back that habit But breaking this obsession might be Like taking carrots from a rabbit   If the habit does prevail And I can’t seem to kick it As I mentioned earlier Rap might be my ticket    And if I decide to do that I’d need a Rapper name One that is respectable  Doesn’t cloak my wife in shame    But the more I think about it A septuagenarian turned to Rap May not be my best idea Think I’ll take a nap.   

Ben and J Lo tied the knot Twenty years it took Number of marriages between them Total of six on the book   Not too many, really But it got me thinking How many monogamous marriages could one man do Especially if he'd been drinking   I thought it might be a lot Maybe, what, a dozen? Recalled the age-old question in some locales Will your wife still be your cousin?   Glynn Wolfe holds the US record A Baptist Pastor who lived in Blythe Thirty-one times down the aisle He swore to love a wife   Out of all these unions Forty children came to be You'd think the result would be A warm extended family   But when Glynn died at eighty-eight And was buried in LA No ex-wife and only one child Came to his funeral that day   When it comes to marriages Let no man put asunder Emphasize longevity  Try to hold down the number  

A friend said once in Aspen He hung out with Jean-Claude Van Damme An Action Movie star With a name of some renown   I asked him what Van Damme was like He said he didn’t know Though they spent some time together  They both just had to go   They didn’t meet, didn’t talk Didn’t even have a drink Then how did you hang out, I asked? He said - it isn’t what you think   We stood next to each other That really says it all We were hanging out, so to speak At the urinals on the wall

In LA, many years ago At a Bama football game Saw someone I thought I knew But couldn't recall his name   We introduced ourselves We thought we knew each other Turned out he'd been a classmate Of my younger brother   We had a pleasant talk Caught up about old friends Talked about the old times  And places we'd since been   He asked if I remembered His wife and said her name I said the name's familiar But I can’t put a picture in the frame   I said that if I saw her Her face I’m sure I’d know He slowly shook his head and said “I really don’t think so”   It was a sad reminder Time and gravity have had their way None of us look like we did Back there in the day   But don't let that be a reason To let a possible reunion go It's usually fun to reconnect With someone you used to know

Life is like a train ride So some people say We're riding the rails together While making our separate way   Passengers on the train All got on at different stations Train is forever on the move To an unknown destination   Always lots of starts and stops Many stations along the way Every stop picks up new people Others get off to stay   Some people stay within their car The duration of the ride Others move around the train Become known far and wide   We don’t know which stop is ours Nor how much time til then One thing we know for certain  Someday our ride will end   Be kind to fellow passengers  Treat them all with care Next station is coming up Someone will get off there

I heard that Jeffrey Toobin was on A sexy conference call Just sitting at his desk  With his back against the wall   Something someone said Unleashed a primal urge Made him unzip his pants To take pressure off his surge   Although he didn’t know it His camera pointed down Which gave the callers on the line  A view of some renown   He said it was an accident He thought the call was muted But the action he displayed Cannot be disputed   You just have to wonder  How sexy Zoom can be To get one so aroused To do such a show for free   Maybe like the word Lewinsky Now, don’t think this absurd We amend the English language To add a meaning to the word   We will just say we are “Toobin” When on a conference call Doing sexual acts With our back against the wall  

These Supreme Court Decisions So many 6 to 3  All votes aligned politically  I ask, how can that be?   Remember when we used to think That Justice, she was blind We can forget that fantasy Erase it from our mind   We thought our laws had meaning  At their very core And a judge's personal views Were left behind them at the door   But how can two justices One Left, the other Right Interpret the very same law Different as Day and Night   Chief Justice Roberts says They do not bat or pitch             They just call balls and strikes As humor, that is rich   The justice's political views  Are all you need to know To predict the Court's rulings And how the case will go   You can get your day in court Let your faith rest with the law But to think the courts not biased Would be a fundamental flaw

My wife and I took a trip to sunny Italy And after a couple of weeks there went on to Gay Paree We did all the tourist things, saw all the sights to see Everything we saw was steeped in history   That was the start of many trips -- we got the travel bug The urge to go, the wish to see was almost like a drug We used rental cars and trains and planes to travel all around Saw the most historic places in many ancient towns   We saw castles, chateaus, palaces, three-hundred-year-old pubs Cafes, bars and restaurants with unfamiliar grub Churches, temples, mosques and shrines, museums and monuments Statues, streets with cobblestones, and historic settlements   Sanctuaries, monasteries, many famous tombs Remains of many cities in the form of ancient ruins UNESCO sites of every kind, always fun to see Because to their credit, they are preserving history   Euros, rubles, francs and shekels and the English Pound The practice is the same all the world around So, dig into your wa...

An old friend told me recently That he’s begun to see Good results from a memory drug Advertised on TV   I asked him why he felt the need To add another med He said he goes to do one thing Does something else instead   He will go to another room To get something that he needs By the time he gets there The thought he had recedes   So, he’ll just think of something else Since he’s already there I can tell it bothers him Though he tries to show no care   He thinks the drug is helpful Been on it 3 months now Thinks it improves his memory Although he’s not sure how   I asked the name of the drug He said Pravachol He recommends it highly To everyone and all   When I heard his answer I couldn’t help but grin The drug he misremembered Is called Prevagen   It will improve your memory The TV ads do say I’ll just check back with  my friend On some future day  

I say with all sincerity   With no attempt at drama It’s hard to overstate  The power of the comma   It’s a small little mark Almost a pencil scratch But its effect on a sentence  Is difficult to match   Take the sentence “Let’s eat, momma” Nice and friendly, sounds like fun Delete the comma, get “Let’s eat momma” You flirt with Murder One    Saw a magazine cover of a well-known Chef  Said “She is inspired by cooking family and her dog” Add a comma after “cooking”  And the sentence moves along   Passed a road sign recently  It said “Slow People Working” Several ways to read that   Need for a comma clearly lurking   Commas distill and clarify  What the sentence is about It’s meaning  totally changes When you leave the comma out   I offer this final note As a way to end Try without the comma “It’s all over, my friend”   

My wife hates my phone   And what it has done to me She accuses me of phubbing It drives her up a tree   “Phubbing” is a term That I hadn’t heard A portmanteau of phone and snubbing To create a new word   I try to explain that my phone Has all my keys to life She’s convinced I use it  Just to ignore my wife   Calendar and task list Calorie counter, workout log Camera, checkbook, photos Along with my favorite blog   My connection with the news Since newspapers mostly went away Have to watch my stocks See how they do today   I can even watch TV Netflix and Hulu too There seems to be no end To what my phone can do   Text messages and email I can even make a call News flashes and bank notices And there is Google after all   My wife thinks I’m obsessed with digital Almost exclude the human race I say the phone is only a tool A fact that she must face   She thinks my phone is my friend Doesn’t like the company I am keeping Could you hold on a ...

  If you spend much time on-line Your info gets around  You get overwhelmed with emails So many scams abound   Emails about your bank accounts  At banks you do not know Orders placed in your name For a thousand bucks or so   Credit being extended On cards you do not own Student loan forgiveness  But you have no student loan   Netflix emails "account is cancelled" Though you never miss a show But the email encourages you to "Click the link below"   IRS is after you  For money you don’t owe A friend stranded in the Philippines  Needs you to send some dough   You’ve won ten thousand dollars  But before they send to you They need a current credit card To prove your identity is true   Your unknown order is delayed Enclosed a picture of the box They must think we are crazy We have to be crazy like a fox   In summary, when we get a notice About an unknown account or cash Or an order we don't recognize Just move it straight t...

Ramona was thin and rangy Quite tall for the third grade Not quite put together  Like a bed that wasn’t made   She was only eight years old Don’t mean to be unkind Not the prettiest girl in the class By any stretch of mind   Thirty people in our class Preparing for Valentines Day Each decorating a paper bag Adding our name to the display   Teacher tacked our bags On the chalkboard eraser tray To accept other’s valentines  Before the class party on that day   The night before at home Signing all my valentine cards Couldn’t recall every classmate’s name Which made my job too hard   My mother said don’t write a name on every card Just sign with love from you And when they open up your card They’ll know your friendships true   And when you get to class Walk down the chalkboard row Just drop a card in every bag To cover everyone you know   We didn’t count on my being distracted  As I continued on apace Dropping cards in bags And losing my pla...